The SXSW promotional onslaught has begun

Last night as I was going to the pre-SXSW registration crew rehearsal at the Convention Center I saw this:



This is on Thursday, a full six days before the music part of the conference begins. Damn, Nine Black Alps (whose song "Behind Your Eyes" I'm quite fond of) have a big promotional machine behind them. I even saw a banner ad for them on a music blog.

At long last, practicing with needles

Today in skills lab we practiced assembling syringes and drawing up subcutaneous, intramuscular, and intradermal medications for injection. The "meds" were fake, but the needles were real.



After spring break, we'll practice actually injecting meds into the mannequins, which are quite creepy.



More photos here. I'll spare you the mannequin genitalia. At least for now.

Nursing student convention hijinks

Several weeks ago I went to the Texas student nurse convention with a large contingent of fellow UT-Austin students. The house of delegates stuff where we heard reports from officers and worked through resolutions was predictably boring. After years of being involved in the Green Party where we use consensus decision-making, it was agonizing to sit through the formal stuffiness of Roberts Rules of Order (the common method in the US).

One of the resolutions was awful; badly written, uninformed, and rife with "blame the poor" attitude. As I was an alternate delegate at the time, I went to the mic and spoke against it. Apparently, when I got up to speak, the UT-Austin contingent in the back all went, "Oh shit, John is throwin' down." Apparently my reputation for not suffering fools gladly has gotten around.

Aside from the procedural stuff, it was dorky fun to "talk shop" with others. I cracked up when one girl said she couldn't eat spicy food because "it makes me really diaphoretic." In regular people parlance that means sweaty.

Most of us were 21 or over and there was a little social drinking. Tongues were loosened and thankfully someone was taking notes.

A collection of entertaining quotes:

Girl: "I don't know how anyone could be a lesbian. I love penis."

"Every patient I've ever had has had pendulous breasts."

"M_______, be sober."

"I couldn't pronounce his name, so I just called him Zoloft."

"Uh, I'm not gay though."

"We aren't doing business drunk."

"I'm not getting some pussy, so give me some drugs."

"I think it tastes good." (one guess what "it" is)

"Haven't you ever played the game 'Just the Tip'?"

Mocking a girl's comment, a guy says, "We'll just wait until our next Pap Smear."

"Madame President needs a beer."

"All I was doing was coming home from 6th St. and I put my ID in my pocket. After that I wanted to have sex so I guess it just got bent."

Girl: "I HATE anal sex."

Girl tells a guy in reference to rubbing up against her, "If you did that I would get a boner."

"I basically like any kind of liquid."

Guy: "When I'm at the gym all I see are old balls."

Vegetarian girl: "I haven't eaten meat in four years."
Me: "K____, cock is totally meat."

Term of the Day: Crepitation

Warning to the squeamish, stop reading now and skip down to the next entry, a light-hearted one about dementia. Snerk.

CREPITATION - grating sound emanating from the body

Could be creaking knee joints, could be bone fragments from a fracture grinding against each other. I had a test over fractures this week. The general understanding of fracture is just a crack in a bone where a break goes all the way through. Medically they're all fractures, with the extent indicated as complete or incomplete.

How about some fun illustrations of typical fractures?

Inadvisable, yet funny

I heard a good hospital story today. There was a patient with dementia at a hospital. It was after 11 PM and he wouldn’t go to sleep. After trying many other methods, a frustrated nurse got on the intercom to his room and said, “This is God, go to sleep.”

It worked, but it’s not what you would call a recommended intervention.

Term of the Day: Fall

Not the season between summer and winter, but rather what leaves do during that season.

FALL - an unintentional change in position resulting in coming to rest on the ground or a lower level

Man do I love these precise medical definitions. Absolutely correct, yet almost comically detached from everyday speech.

Falls are a big deal, especially in seniors, potentially causing serious injuries like hip breaks and concussions, or even death. So many factors can precipitate them, weakness, pain, environment, cognitive problems, medications, neuromuscular impairment, the list is long.

Prevention of falls is a huge nursing responsibility. And just as falls have many factors that increase risk, there are many preventative measures to consider. Considering just the patient's immediate environment in a hospital room requires thinking about condition of the bathroom and shower, their hospital gown, lighting, floor condition, footwear, suitability of chairs, bed height, bed wheels, and side rail position.

The standard when leaving a patient's bed is to lock the wheels, put the side rails by the head up, and lower the bed all the way down. Still, despite these precautions, tragedy can happen. Our aging teacher had our undivided attention when she showed us a couple drawings taken from photographs of patients that tried to get out of bed and died when they got tangled in their bed rails. Eeesh.

15 things I learned today

My clinical practicum teacher told us we should be learning 15 new things every week at the hospital.

15 things I learned today:

1. my computer login


2. the codes to the supply rooms


3. how to read a medical chart


4. how to take a femoral (thigh) blood pressure


5. estimating how much a patient ate of their meal


6. help a patient take a shower and they'll likely do whatever you want


7. you can never have enough towels


8. getting a patient out of bed and into a chair kills two birds with one stone, they're moving around and you can easily change their bed linens


9. the usefulness of apothecary notation


10. hospital food looks much more appealing than I had imagined


11. tracking fluid intake and output is sort of fun, I mean besides the evaluating urine for quantity, color, and odor


12. even nursing students have perceived authority


13. I'm going to be seeing a lot of backsides


14. sometimes just listening to a patient talk makes them feel much better


15. I really like this

Sigur Rós in Austin

Just got home from seeing Sigur Rós at Bass Concert Hall. Dang, they are an amazing band.

I didn't go into a trance state and "wake up" with tears on my cheeks like the last time I saw them, but the last song left my heart racing, my respiration rate way up, and the feeling of being punched in the chest. Words fail to get at just what this band can do to your head and heart.

Opening act Amina, who also play in Sigur Rós' touring incarnation, were a revelation. Incorporating string quartet, musical saw, pump organ, mbira, wine glasses, music box, pre-recorded tracks, xylophone, and more, they shifted from instrument to instrument building up a sparkling mélange of notes and texture. Really beautiful work. The EP they were selling doesn't capture how good they really are, hopefully their upcoming album will.http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif

Here's a representative sample: Amina - Hemipode

In other music news, here's a really horrible article about Austin music. I'd swear that the restaurants, clubs, and music stores paid off the reporter if I didn't know better (no way Big Dan of End of An Ear did that).

UPDATE: Mybloodyself and Spitting Tacks, my concert companions, have posted their impressions of the show as well.

Sen. Bill Frist wants my opinion?

I have no idea why, but I received a Senate Majority Leader's Survey in the mail today. That would be the REPUBLICAN Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist. To me, who lives in the only county in Texas to reject the constitutional ban on gay marriage. Me, who has held positions within the local, state, and national Green Party. Me, who has a French last name.

I cannot fathom how this came to be. I've voted in almost every election for the past 10 years or so and haven't voted in Democratic primaries in five years, but I also don't vote in the Republican primary. How did this happen? Enough fretting, on to the grim comedy.

This foul bit of marketing is really a combination "fall in line with our already-set agenda/give us some money" tool. The first survey item asks me to rank issue of importance:



"Correcting" questions became a theme for me, like changing (in red) one Value Issue question to "Do you support federal funding for research on an unlimited number of embryonic stem cell lines?" I checked Yes.

I particularly enjoyed my annotation to the first question here:



The accompanying letter is righteously indignant over the "filibusters and parliamentary gimmicks" of Senate Democrats, while completely avoiding the unethical behavior plaguing the Republican Party of late. They want 60 votes in the Senate to block Dem filibusters (institued by the "Howard Dean-Michael Moore wing their Party", you know, the actual Democrats?) and they really need money to defend themselves against those big meanies MoveOn.org. Awwwww.

I finished the survey and mailed it off. Not that it will do any good. Still, it made me feel warm and fuzzy to oppose their agenda on practically every question.

Term of the day: Auscultation

Last week in Assessment class, we learned how to use our stethoscopes to listen for various heart sounds. The week before, we did lung sounds.

AUSCULTATION - the act of listening to sounds occuring within the body

We're not expected to be able to hear faint sounds like heart murmurs this early on in our careers, just the basic abnormal sounds like crackles and wheezes in the lungs. Crackles (like Rice Crispies in milk or the sound made when you rub your hair between your fingers) indicate fluid in the lungs and point to things like pneumonia. Wheezes (a continuous, musical whistling) can be heard in people with pneumonia, but usually occur with things like asthma or bronchitis.

One of our instructors was reminding us of these and accidentally said "crackles and weasels". I busted out laughing. No disrespect to the instructor - it could happen to anyone - but the vision of carefully listening for the sound of tiny weasels romping about inside a person's lungs was too much.

Especially when I took it one step further, "Hmm. On the lower right side I'm hearing the distinctive sounds of crackheads and weasels."

A great first day

It was a sea of burnt orange at the hospital today, my clinical group's first day of caring for patients. Where before our clients had been elderly people in an assisted living facility, now we are at a hospital for the rest of the semester. Our instructor eased us into it; all we were supposed to do was pick up breakfast trays, assess how much the patients ate, keep a running count of their fluid intake, change linens, and take vital signs. Fairly easy stuff at this stage, and yet exciting to do.

My partner and I had a much better day than the rest of our class though. One of our patients was a little out of sorts. She didn't touch her breakfast and didn't want to wear her nasal cannula (tube that delivers oxygen). Our instructor convinced her to get out of bed into a chair, as much to get her ambulating as it was to allow me to change her sheets. Once in the chair with her nasal cannula in, she almost immediately became more alert and pink-cheeked.

Now more awake, she apologized for being dirty. She wasn't really, but being in a hospital bed for two days can make you feel more than a little grungy. Our instructor suggested a shower, and so my partner and I gave her one. Remember when I talked about the relationship-building aspect of bathing a patient? Even more true than I had guessed.

Bathing a stranger wasn't weird or scary or gross or any of the things you might think. It was just, caring. She thanked us profusely during and after the shower, then called her daughter to say how much better she felt and how nice we were. She was glowing and we were thrilled.

It's inevitable that caring for patients will become routine and even tedious at time, but I'm determined to always hang on to what it can mean to them and me.

My sense of humor might make me an outcast

A couple weeks ago, I was in Skills class and our instructors were demonstrating sitting mobility-impaired patient up and moving them in and out of bed. One of my fellow students asked what you would do with very large patients. Short answer is get help from other staff. The longer answer involved bigger beds and a friend of mine misheard our instructor as saying "big boy beds".

I immediately thought of a great endorsement deal for one-half of Outkast. Big Boi Hospital Beds, "I like the way you move."

My friend laughed, other people just stared. I thought it was clever.

It is now my duty to completely, uh bathe you*

Because some fellow students and I are going to the Texas Nursing Student Association conference in San Antonio on Thursday, we had our Skills lab this afternoon. Lab topic this week: Bathing and Hygiene.

The slight embarrassment began with the pre-lab videos we watched over the weekend. As the nurse on the tape demonstrated perineal care (washing the lovely bits and asscrack) on the "actors", I kept thinking, "I wonder how much these people are getting paid?" I heard secondhand about a girl that was nervous about the Potential For Erections. Helpfully, our book covers this. "Wash shaft of penis with gentle but firm downward strokes. Vigorous massage of penis can lead to erection, which can embarrass client and nurse." Uh, yeah.

I'm not so concerned about the guys, it's the lady parts that make me nervous. It's not that I'm scared of labias majora and minora, I just don't want to be too rough. Err, I don't have a lot of, let's say experience, with washing the peesh.

Our lab instructor told us that most patients won't need help with perineal care and prefer to take care this themselves. As our course packet helpfully suggests, "Most patients understand what is meant is the nurse simply says, 'I'll give you a washcloth to finish your bath.'" Later I was saying that suggested phrasing is helpful. Of course someone was going to hear that as suggestive phrasing. Hilarity ensued.

The lab instructor went over the material, quizzed us a bit, and then it was time for us to bathe each other. Un-com-fort-a-ble. It really wasn't that bad, we just did face, arms, chest, and back wearing swimsuits the whole time. It was, an experience.

Last week when we were talking about this lab coming up, a fellow student was saying that bathing is a task that can and is often delegated to nursing assistants. Nurses had better things to do. Our Skills instructor gently called him on it. She explained that bathing a patient allowed a nurse to assess their skin for any potential problems and allowed a time to talk in a setting that tends to allow patients to open up. It really turned me around from thinking of bathing as a necessary but undesirable part of the job, to seeing it as an opportunity to provide care for a patient. A little mushy, sure, but true.

*All apologies to Nirvana for mangling their lyrics in this post's title.

My typical week of first semester nursing school

It's been awhile, sorry. I had a busy week, first round of tests. They went okay, one great score and one disappointing-but-not-terrible score. I was going to go into a little detail about a class when I realized that I never explained my schedule. So...

SUNDAY

Preparation for Monday's clinical. Starting in a couple weeks, I'll go to the hospital on Sunday afternoon, copy down data from the patient's chart, write brief summaries of their medical diagnoses and treatments, note what medications they're taking and possible side effects, construct a list of things they are at risk for, and possible nursing interventions I can perform. I'll explain the profession jargon in a future post. I'll be quizzed on some of this material tomorrow morning first thing.

MONDAY

6:30 AM - 3:15 PM Adult Health Clinical

This is where I go to a facility and care for a patient. As we learn more in my Thursday classes (see below), we do more for the clients. In addition, I read the medical chart, gather data, and come up with nursing diagnoses that may require interventions. All the information I gather and things I do for clients are recorded in a big database that takes anywhere from 5-10 hours to prepare and is due every Wednesday afternoon.

TUESDAY

My "day off". I can squeeze in some errands, but mostly I finish my client database and study for my Wed-Fri classes. I also have to read and watch videos up at school to prepare for an online quiz we have to take before attending Thursday Skills class. If you fail the quiz, you have to write out a long explanation of everything we're going to do on Thursday. I usually take the quiz on Wednesday afternoon.

WEDNESDAY

8 - 11 AM Adult Health

A lecture class on body systems, disease and wellness, etc. We take breaks, but I'm sure glad the instructor is lively or my classmates and I would be glazed over. Coffee is a lovely thing.

11:30 AM -1:30 PM Mental Health

Just like the name says, but this is a "what is going on?" class. We're never quite sure. There's lecture, handouts, and somewhat irrevalent videos that aren't coming together so far. I'm also beginning to think that either the profession of psychiatric nursing causes one to become odd, or that odd people become psychiatric nurses. It's a "Chicken or the Egg?"-style dilemma.

4 PM - 7 PM Spanish for Healthcare Professionals

Thank goodness fluency is not the goal. I have to be careful not to blow it off. It's a three hour class and I'd hate to get a B in what is fairly simple course. I'm surprised at how much I remember from my Spanish classes ten years ago.

Some time today I also have to finish reading and complete workbook exercises for Assessment class first thing Thursday morning.

THURSDAY

8 AM - 10:30 Health Assessment

This is a practical class where we learn head-to-toe assessment in a mock hospital setting. I'll take some photos and post them soon. This is a fun class because it's hands-on. Lecture classes are fine, but psychomotor learning is welcome relief. To date, I can now take a health history, assess nutrition, measure vital signs, and assess lung sounds and function. I'll be learning about the heart and major vessels this coming week.

1 PM - 2 PM Office hours

I staff the UT Nursing Student Association office and work on any projects I have going as Breakthrough to Nursing coordinator. The position is about encouraging and retaining nursing students of color, guys, and the older-than-average, as well as learning about transcultural nursing. I'm the first person in the job and I'm enjoying defining the role.

2 PM - 4 PM Clinical Nursing Skills

Another practical class that's more about procedures performed on or for patients rather than as a way of gathering data. I can exhibit standard precautions (handwashing, gloving, use of mask and gown), check blood glucose with a finger stick, move a patient in bed or transfer them from bed into a chair, and make a bed while a client is in it. This week is bathing and hygiene. We have to wear bathing suits and "Prepare to get wet!" Nervous giggling will surely commence.

FRIDAY

11 AM - 1 PM Aging

A lecture class on the social, psychological, and physiological changes that occur with aging. This is my most interesting lecture class, mostly due to our lecturer's engaging stories and examples.

That's my normal week. Whoo-hoo.

Term of the day: Cerebrovascular Accident

I thought that a stroke, a sudden interruption of blood to a part of the brain, was still called a stroke by medical professionals. Nope. For some time now it's been called a:

CEREBROVASCULAR ACCIDENT (CVA)

The cerebrovascular part is much more descriptive, but the accident part is a bit odd. "Whoopsie, you had an accident. Errr, a chunk of your brain is dying."

In recent years, many professionals and support organizations have starting using a new term to emphasize the seriousness of CVAs. Despite their good intentions, I think brain attack is goofy. It sounds like a bad '50s science fiction film.

BRAIN ATTACK! I imagine a flock of pulsating, green brains buzzing a terrified small town while teenage girls scream, a brave policeman gets off a couple of pistol shops before being vaporized, and a radio station DJ begs for, "Someone! Anyone! For the love of God, help us!!". At some point, a city councilman would say something like, "They've destroyed City Hall! The nerve of them." Wocka-wocka.

My first day in burnt orange scrubs

Monday was my first day of "caring" for a elderly resident of an assisted living facility. I put caring in quotes because I did nothing for her, just asked questions and took notes. She was very sweet and patient with me. We got a lot of talking done; a couple other students have residents with moderate dementia and it was a bit more of a challenge.

My resident has decided to adopt me. I thought I would blush when she announced this to a couple of other women residents in the dining room. My capillaries really got a workout though when one of the other women complimented me on my eyes, then my chest hair, then began batting her eyes at me and swishing her hips. She's 76. So basically I'm having better luck with the golden girls than the gay guys. Depressingly hilarious.

Putting all my resident's information into the required client database took me 10 hours. The fact that 10 hours was about average for my class did not raise my spirits much. Hopefully I'll get faster with more practice because we have to do one almost every week for the next two years. Urk.

I'll see the same resident next Monday except this time I'll know how to check her vital signs with a blood pressure cuff and stethoscope. Here's what mine looks like:

Term of the day: Nectar thick liquids

Patients who have trouble swallowing and an impaired coughing mechanism (dysphagia) are at risk for food and liquids getting into their lungs, which can result in pneumonia. Because of this, patients with dysphagia are often prescribed special diets. Pureed food is pretty obvious, but how about thick water? Thickening agents are often added to fluids to reduce the chance of it getting into the lungs.

NECTAR THICK LIQUIDS - the consistency of fruit syrup or V8

There's also honey thick and pudding thick. My instructor brought some Thick N Easy for my class to try. Suffice to say, thick water is weird and thick Diet Coke is vile.

A walk with pictures

I went for a walk yesteray and took some pictures. Click a picture for more.

Term of the Day: Nursing

You would think I'd have been able to rattle off a good definition of this months before now. I never had a handle on it til now though.

NURSING - the protection, promotion, and optimization of health and abilities, prevention of illness and injury, alleviation of illness and suffering through the diagnosis and treatment of human response, and advocacy in the care of individuals, families, communities and populations.

That's the official policy statement of the American Nursing Association. It really comes down to this, medicine focuses on diagnosis and treatment of a health problem. Nursing focuses on diagnosis and treatment of the response to that health problem.

Cool.

A shock to the chest

I was flipping through my CPR manual today when I came across a wince-inducing, yet funny-in-a-Steve-Carell-kind-of-way notation in the Automated External Defibrillation chapter. AEDs are widely available now so that non-professionals can shock people in ventricular fibrillation (ER fans will recognize this as "V fib") back to a normal heart rhythm.

Sometimes the user can run into a problem though, I mean besides the dying person lying the ground. To whit:

Foundation Facts: The Hairy Chest Problem

If the victim has a hairy chest, the adhesive electrode pads may stick to the hair of the chest, preventing solid contact with the skin. This will lead to a "check electrodes" or "check electrode pads" message from the AED. If you receive such a message, try the following:

• Press down firmly on each pad. This may produce sufficient adhesion between the pad and the skin to solve the problem.


• If unsuccessful, briskly pull off the electrode pads. This will remove much of the chest hair.


• Wipe the area and if a lot of hair remains, shave the area for electrode pad placement with a few strokes of the prep razor in the AED carrying case. Open and apply a new set of electrode pads.

That whole "briskly pull off the electrode pads" is the ugly part. Though to be fair, the victim is unlikely to care too much what with the severe internal chest pain.

Still, sucks to be Alec Baldwin.

Term of the day: Xiphoid Process

Sounds like a band doesn't it?

XIPHOID PROCESS (Say it a couple times out loud. Fun huh?)

It's actually a pointy thing at the bottom of your sternum where the last ribs meet. While it is made of cartilage, the xiphoid process ossifies (becomes bony) in adults. When performing CPR, it is used to help locate proper hand placement for chest compressions. Care should be taken to avoid pressing on the xiphoid process itself during compressions as that can cause the pointy end to pierce the diaphragm. Which is super bad.

Oh wait, it is the name of a band.

"Money (That's What I Want)"

Originally a Motown song (co-written by label founder Berry Gordon), it was later elevated to new heights by the scorching Beatles version. Confident, sexy, and trashy-sounding, it's fantastic. To my ears though, the best version is by The Flying Lizards. Their take exhibits the same characteristics, but in a completely different way. The instrumentation is primitive, robotic, and groovy in that Kraftwerkian German way. And then there's the vocals. Backed by muffled, strained invocations of "That's, what I want," singer Deborah Lizard exudes contempt and self-assurance when she declares, "I want money." She will totally step on your face with her stilleto heel and you will pay her to do it. I mean, if you're into that sort of thing.

I was just pointed to a live performance The Flying Lizards did for the BBC back in the '80s. Like many other "live" BBC performances, they're just miming the song, but the totally fake way they go about it made me laugh. Watch especially for the guy on the left who ends up reading the repetitive "that's what I want" lyric off successive sheets of paper.

(for those reading this through an RSS feed aggregator, there's a video to click on here, just go to my actual blog site and you'll see it)

Also? YouTube is really, really cool.


This post dedicated to Carole, the only person I know who loves this song as much as me.

Pain, see Requirements for Graduation

Yesterday in Skills lab we practiced checking blood glucose on each other. It's a standard procedure for patients, especially for those with diabetes. If you've ever donated blood, you know how it goes: alcohol wipe, lancet to pierce the side of your finger tip, drop of blood on the strip, beep beep, blood glucose.

One of my fellow students noted, "This must be the only major where you sign agreements that it's okay for another student to purposely hurt you."

Gorgeous models (for medical procedures)

BoingBoing really came through for me yesterday. Two posts there directed me to medical simulation model supply websites. What a treasure trove of delights.

Maybe you'd like to practice diagnosing facial lesions? Limbs & Things has the perfect item.



Perhaps you need to improve your cut-down skills on something that will actually bleed, but won't sue?



My personal favorite, just for the sheer morbid humor of it, is the adorably-named Lumps & Bumps set "to be used in conjunction with the 'Strap-on' Breasts when performing breast examination." Cause breast lumps are so cute and totally fun.

The phone number for Limbs & Things? 866-GOLIMBS. Of course I've ordered the catalog.

Kyoto Kagaku has a amazing selection of models as well.

Love the creepy Whole Body Phantom.



Though, if you really want to scare the kids at Halloween, I recommend the Digital Rectal Examination simulator.



As expensive as these items are, I just know there's some perv out there who's tired of his Real Doll and is willing to drop a three thousand bucks for a Clinical Female Pelvic Trainer w/ Interchangeable Uteri.

Term of the day: Sleep

This may seem obvious, and it is. I just love the definition given in one of my textbooks.

SLEEP - sustained natural, periodic suspension of relative consciousness

Wow.

Seeing as I'm getting a sore throat, it’s time for me to get a lot of it starting about 20 minutes from now. Though, slugging generic Nyquil and sacking out for 12 hours isn't all that natural.

I heart soap

Thanks BoingBoing. I totally want anatomically correct heart-shaped soap.

New series: Term/Phrase of the day

I'm learning new things at such volume and speed that I thought I'd start doing a daily post about my favorite new term or phrase of the day.

The term for today is:

PROTEINACEOUS

Doesn't it sound sort of sexy? It's not. I learned it in reference to proper handwashing procedures. We don't want bodily secretions that contain proteins remaining on the hands. "Dang, that mucus is highly proteinaceous."

My new life as a nursing student

Today marks the end of the week-long introduction to my new life as a nursing student. It’s going to be a lot different from now on. It’s more than just the end of MWF or TTH classes in favor of once-a-week, three-hour lectures or that procrastination is verboten less I fail miserably.

It’s a couple hundred pages of reading a week, 8 AM or earlier classes almost every weekday, and constant studying for that dosage calculation test or health assessment or skills demonstration. And I am not complaining. This is what it takes to be a better-than-competent nurse. Here’s my books for the semester (minus a couple I don't have yet):



My classmates and I are already in the swing of things though. Last week, an instructor asked, “Have y’all heard about critical thinking?” The whole class laughed. We'd heard that constantly for a couple days. Just following doctors' orders is for losers.

Dork-out for SCOTUS

Tomorrow the US Senate votes on the confirmation of Supreme Court nominee Judge Samuel Alito. Unless he busts into the Senate chamber smoking a formaldehyde-soaked joint which he then uses to set fire to an American flag while his heretofore secret gay lover gets an NEA grant to ban handguns, he's a shoo-in.

I'm no fan of Alito, but I dearly loved the exhaustive coverage by NPR of his and John Roberts' confirmations. Daily wrap-up podcasts? Yes please! And of course with NPR coverage of matters judicial comes the Voice, NPR legal affairs correspondent Nina Totenberg.

Oh Nina, how I thrill to the sound of your arch, mannered tones. How I exalt at your veiled sarcasm. How interesting to discover that not only did you break the (non-)story of Douglas Ginsburg's pot-smoking during his Supreme Court nomination, but that your stories about Anita Hill's accusations led to the re-opening of hearings on Clarence Thomas. How I hang on your every word when you re-enact Supreme Court proceedings.

Seriously, I love the way she reads them. I imagine her in front of the microphone with little Supreme Court Justice finger puppets, waggling them in turn as she performs as Justice Kennedy, Souter, et al. You just know that she puts much more incredulosity in there when she relates one of O'Connor's pointed questions to the lawyers. Nina is so awesome, she has a permanent seat in the Supreme Court press box right next to the sketch artist. She was on The Colbert Report last week and I got waaaay too excited when she played the saucy minx to Colbert's uptight blowhard. Hee!

My level of dorkitude over the Supreme Court is such that I was shocked, shocked I say, when I read that 57% of Americans couldn't name even one Justice at a time when there were two seats to fill on the bench and the Bush administration had to pull Harriet Miers' nomination. I've known for a long time now that I'm far from the average American, this is even more statistical proof. From the survey cited above, "The percentage of Americans who can name all nine current Supreme Court justices, statistically speaking, is zero. The percentage of Americans who can name eight or more of the nine current Supreme Court justices also statistically rounds to zero." Great, I (and others like me) round to zero. Sigh.

During my trip to Washington DC several years ago, the coolest thing by far was the tour of the Supreme Court building. Since the Court wasn't in session, we got to sit in the chamber. Friggin' sweet.

Among the interesting things I learned:

- There is a seating section for the general public and a separate one for lawyers who'd been admitted to the Supreme Court Bar.

- William Howard Taft is (and will likely remain) the only President to go on to serve on the Supreme Court

- When Justices pose a question to the lawyers arguing in front of them, it's usually a roundabout way to send a message to the other Justices.

- Ruth Bader Ginsburg argued in front of the Court several times years before ascending to the bench.

- During their weekly private meetings, the newest member of the court has to get up and open the door if someone knocks. Breyer's been doing it for 11 years. Now it will be Alito's turn.

- There really is a basketball court in the building. It's the highest court in the land. Ba-dum bum, crash!

Why it's important to put things back where they belong

Last night while working at the university bookstore, I checked a used textbook to see if the media CD that comes with new books was still in the back pocket. There was a disc, but not the media CD. Suffice to say that the person who traded in that textbook is in for a rude shock the next time they open their Bridget Jones's Diary case.

Hirsute hatred

Stephen Colbert has no love for me and others of my ilk. But then he also hates owls.



Imagine the scorn he has for Bearded Owlmen.



Especially the ones with PhDs from Columbia.


Tags: The Colbert Report, beards, owlmen

Awfully cute

This is the most adorably sad thing I think I've ever seen. If I catch the bastard that took Terry's frog...

Lo siento. Yo soy un gringo con educado mal.

The medical staff at the hospital where I worked last summer were a geographically diverse lot. They came from all over the US and even different countries. So while it's understandable that many didn't grow up being exposed to different ethnicities, it still made me chortle when they would mangle the pronunciation Latino names. I'm not talking about saying "AIN-jul" instead of "on-HEL" either. Try and keep a straight face when someone loudly calls out for Mr. PEE-na.

One time a nurse had us all in tears when she recounted her first night of work in Texas. She paged a patient several times before a co-worker explained that the patient's name was probably hey-SOOS mar-TEEN-ez, not GEE-sus MAR-ten-ez. The same nurse later told me about a dream she'd had where she was at work and fluently conversing in Spanish with a patient. Only she didn't understand what she was saying and was concerned that she was giving the patient bad medical information. Aren't work-related anxiety dreams fun?

I took Spanish for my first degree but hadn't used it until I started working at the hospital last May. Even then, I only used a handful of phrases so I could complete the registration process. I doubt I will ever forget the (probably grammatically incorrect) shpiel:

"Hola. Se llamo John. Necessito informacion para registracion, OK? Este es consentimiento para tratamiento. Firma aqui por favor. Bueno. Tiene numero de seguro social? Que es su domicilio?" and so on.

The rapid rise in Spanish-speaking only patients in the state led the Texas Student Nursing Association to pass a resolution years ago calling for nursing schools to require students to take a Spanish for Healthcare Workers class. Most, if not all, accredited programs require it now. I'd planned on taking the immersion course that UT offers during the summer. Students live with a host family in Guadalajara, Mexico while attending Spanish class every day. After several weeks, the students then volunteer in a clinic for further practice.

Unfortunately, I won't have the funds to take that version of the class. I'll have to take the boring regular version on campus this Fall. Como se dice "c'est la vie" en español ?

Grand mal or la petite morte?

An incident from my time at the hospital:

EMS gets a call that an elderly man has had a seizure and is now unconscious. When they get to the scene the man's wife is freaking out. With a little effort, but the paramedic rouses the old guy. He's fine. Turns out he and his wife were having sex for the first time in 15 years - thanks to Viagra or Cialis I assume - then he sat up too quickly and briefly passed out. Even after a decade and a half, it still seems like his wife should be able to tell the difference between a seizure and an orgasm.

Rose Bowl aftermath

Even though I'm getting my second bachelor's degree from UT Austin, I've never been a booster of its sports teams. I'm just not a sports guy, and the non-joiner in me reflexively withdrawals from rabid fandom. Regardless, the Longhorns winning the Rose Bowl was thrilling, with a smattering of dread. Great game, very exciting, and yet because of that win I'll be working my ass off at University Co-op shipping tons of UT-branded merchandise to fans all over the country for the next several weeks.

Before each semester begins I usually work the graveyard shift as a temp, filling textbook orders. This time, I started earlier than usual because of all the pre-Rose Bowl excitement. For the past two weeks, I've boxed up countless Rosebowl Bound T-shirts, sweatshirts, hats, pins, pennants, buttons, keychains, orange wristbands, mugs, shot glasses, koozies, $300 DVD collections of 2005 games, and real roses with UT designs screen-printed on the petals.

This is of course in addition to the regular merchandise the Co-op carries like shower curtains, bed linens, golf bags, poker chips, Santa-in-burnt-orange Christmas ornaments, bottle openers that play "The Eyes of Texas", wheelchair wheel covers, and baby indoctrination DVDs. I swear, they could bottle Bevo farts and they'd sell. It's astounding how much money people will spend on really ugly crap.

Well, at least there will be plenty of overtime available. I start tonight at 11 PM, wish me luck.

New Year's Eve photos

Finally put up my New Year's Eve photos. Click any picture for more.

RIP Starship Pegasus

On my way back from Dallas recently, I came across the most pathetic roadside attraction I've ever seen.


The mixing of science fiction (starship) and fantasy (pegasus) is a bit odd, though Blade Runner had a unicorn in it. Maybe it's a homage.


Mini-golf is totally futuristic. I would have played a round, but it appeared to be closed for good.


At first I was suffused with ironic glee, then it just made me slightly depressed.


Now it's just a Pace Age Fantasy.

My new shirt

My sister gave me this shirt for Christmas. I can only assume that inducing seizures in those around me so that I may care for them is her way of supporting my nursing education. She's a peach.

Now I've learned my ABCs

I spent all day up at the nursing school in CPR training class. It's a requirement for entering the upper-division sequence and rightly so. Healthcare workers take a more intensive form of the class, hence the eight hour length and my classmates and I were lucky to have a fellow nursing student as an instructor. Her stories and explanations were great.

Of course we covered the ABCs (airway, breathing, circulation), proper execution of CPR, and choking rescue, but also the use of automated external defibrillators. Those things are rad. In addition, I also learned a couple unexpected things today.

First is that a person with no pulse who isn't breathing is dead. We, the general public, like to think of a person who just slipped into this state as alive yet in serious trouble. Nope, they're dead. This is the basis for idea that when trying to bring this person back, there isn't much you can do to make them worse off. It's why cracking ribs while performing chest compressions is perfectly acceptable.

The second interesting thing is that the Heimlich maneuver, as a name, is losing ground in favor of "choking rescue". A quick on-line search reveals that Dr. Heimlich might have stolen the idea from a colleague, and that he definitely engaged in gross ethical violations by injecting malarial blood into patients with HIV in secret medical "trials" held outside the US. So associating a wonderful life-saving measure with a total wackjob (whose own son is a leading critic)? Maybe not so much.

Doonesbury on consumptive Creationism

I'm not a regular reader of Doonesbury anymore, but I happened to see last Sunday's strip posted on a professor's door and Gary Trudeau is still brilliant.



It's similar to the argument I have used against Creationist hypocrisy, but in Trudeau's hands it's succinct, pointed, and laugh-out-loud funny. Just as there are supposedly no atheists in foxholes, there are few stick-to-their-principles Creationists in doctors' offices.

What really put it over the top for me is that I just took my pharmacology final last Friday and tuberculosis meds were on it. Streptomycin for TB, ludicrous!

New Wave Dance Party

(Click the pic for more photos)

To celebrate the end of my toughest semester so far, I threw a dance party. Many, many fantastic songs were played and there was dancing, drinking, and the consumption of salty snacks.

First prize in the unofficial Attitude of the Night contest is Carole. Seriously y'all, she will totally stab you.



My other favorite image of the night is Eric, the Sad Popcorn Hoarder.

The Daily Show on the formerly craven Ford Motor Company

You might have heard that Ford Motor Company, bowing to pressure from a rather nasty conservative "family" group, is pulling initially planned to pull its ads from gay magazines. Ridiculous. Why is Ford worried about this group boycotting them? The same group was rebuffed by Disney and Kraft; they called off the Disney boycott after 9 years because it didn't work.

Thankfully, The Daily Show covered the issue in their inimitable style. Jon Stewart explained from which magazines Ford was pulling their ads, "The publications include The Advocate and OUT. Not affected are Mandate, Honcho, Black Inches, Latin Inches , Torso, Blueboy, Playguy, All Man, and of course, Gaywad McGee's Scrotum Lovers Quarterly."



"Actually, umm, I umm, I should add that last one's really more of a trade magazine, for connossieurs of scrotums."

Thanks Jon & Company, you make me laugh about something that previously sent my blood pressure North. Crooks & Liars has video for the whole segment.

I debated whether to actually provide links to all the porn mags, but it was so easy - almost every one was the top hit on Google, not that Black Inches was a big surprise - and figured the cheap thrill trumped good taste. They're all kinda safe for work, depending on how your boss feels about your computer displaying a naked guy with a big yellow words obscuring his crotch.

UPDATE: As Americablog reports, Ford backed off on pulling it's ads and even stated that they would tailor them for gay consumers (I assume that means attractive homo couples sitting it their cars).

American Analog Set and an offer easy to resist

Great night out Sunday night. I went to the American Analog Set show with MyBloodySelf and Jennifer despite my looming tests because it was rumored to be their last one ever. Near the beginning of the show, frontman Andrew Kenny guilelessly said, "Thanks for coming, it's been a long fall." Laughter all around since most everyone had heard the retirement rumor. "Oh. I should have said Autumn."

There was a total asshole near us constantly hoisting his drinks and yelling thinks like, "Whooo! You rock!" He was clearly a big fan (he knew most of the words), so why was he behaving this way for one of the most sedate, non-rockin bands ever? It would be like standing up during a Tchaikovsky performance and screeching, "Yeah, Scherzo a la russ & Impromptu in Eb Minor! I love this one. Whooo!"

Despite the jerk, it was an amazing show. They played beautifully and the flow of songs was perfectly paced. I don't think I've ever seen them so relaxed and confident. Near the end of the show, Andrew took some time to thank Austin for being their home and so good to them over the years. Hard to imagine I've been seeing them for over a decade. Some of the kids with Xs on their hands were still in elementary school when Amanset in started.

On the way home, we drove down Guadalupe past the UT campus. At a light, a cab full of college-age girls stopped and one of them slurringly invited us to a party. It was 1:45 AM. We demurred, Dan saying that he had to get up in the morning. She was persistant saying it was going to be great or off the hook or whatever the kids are saying these days. I offered that we were too old for them. The light changed and she made a last ditch effort, "They'll be naked poontang!"

Whoo-boy was she off-base. Our car? Two gay men and a straight woman. Uproarious laughter ensued. As the cab pulled away Jennifer yelled out the window, "You got the wroooong guys for naked poontang."

When I got home, I watched a little TV and heard this gem from David Cross (dripping with irony) on Comedy Central's Last Laugh 2005, "I'm not opposed to gay marriage, because I'm tolerant and rational. So it doesn't bother me?"

I take it all back, Austin cold weather freakout-itude

Pure, unadulterated joy is such a great feeling.

Earlier today I was in the old UT main library studying with a friend for our exam tonight and the one tomorrow morning. Ugh. Then, a wondrous voice came over the PA system announcing that UT was closing and would remain closed until 10 AM tomorrow. All classes until then are cancelled because there will be some freezing drizzle tonight.

The library came alive with beaming faces and muffled cries of excitement. It was so cool to see how happy everyone was. My friend and I gathered up our notes and walked across campus to her car, smiling and laughing all the way.

Now, after studying so much last night, I get to take a nap as soon as I post this. Hoorah for overly cautious school administrators! Of course, shortly after I got home there were emails about rescheduling the tests for next week. But still.

UPDATE: UT cancelled class all day today (12/8) too! So that's a class presentation and another test postponed until Monday and Tuesday. Thank you UT, you've procrastinated for me. Usually I'd have to clean the bathroom and vacuum the house instead of studying to achieve this level of delay.

Stereotype unflinchingly maintained

Yesterday morning some fellow nursing students and I helped Project Transitions set up for their annual Holiday Swing fundraiser. Among the silent auction items were these three:

GAY


Try me? Uh...

GAYER

Purple. Feathered. Mirror.

(one of the) GAYEST (things I've ever seen)

I fear this will haunt my dreams.

A day outside

Today I went with some friendly friends to take nature pictures. We were prevented from going to Bright Leaf by a locked gate, so we went to Wild Basin Preserve instead. It was rather brown with just a few splashes of red and yellow; Texas doesn't have many native species that sport interesting fall colors. Also it was hot. In December. Still, we had fun and enjoyed lunch after a bracing hike.



Better fall colors were to be found in my neighbor's yard.

Fruit bats are resevoirs of bleeding eyeball disease

Fruit bats! You are so adorable but, as recently discovered, three species of you carry the Ebola virus. To you, it is nothing. To humans, chimpanzees, and gorillas, it means severe flu-like symptoms and then bleeding out of the ears, mouth, and eyes. At least until death, and probably for a little while after.

I can't blame you hammer-headed fruit bat, Franquet's epauletted bat, and flying fox. You were just going about your business, eating fruit and hanging upside-down. It's our fault for eating you.

Damn those Monty Python boys and their fake scripture, "And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu--" It's only a matter of time before we find out that excessive Spam consumption causes Jumping Frenchmen of Maine disorder.

Pictures of all three bat species. The hammer-headed fruit bat is particularly weird and cool.


Tags: Fruit Bats, Ebola, breakfast cereals

Greenwood Space Travel Supply Co. opens

Greenwood Space Travel Co. recently opened in Seattle as the storefront for 826 Seattle. Besides the obvious supplies like robot parts, bulk antigravity, and spare air, they also have towels. How frickin' cool is Dave Eggers and Co. for creating this series of non-profit writing centers for kids?

After a cursory search, it became clear to me that there wasn't a comprehensive list of all the 826 chapters in the country and what their "fake" storefronts are. So I made one:

826 Valencia
The Store, San Francisco's only independent pirate supply store
(some pictures here)

826 NYC
Brooklyn Superhero Supply Store, for all your superhero supply needs
I've been to this one. It's awesome. For Halloween, they re-decorated as the Villain Superhero Supply Store.

826 LA
I don't think they have a storefront, which is too bad. I came across a newspaper story about the planning for 826 LA with this suggestion for the store from Dave Eggers, "A duty-free shop for a time traveler of the future who might be traveling back in time and need to buy, say, a torch and a battle-ax without paying taxes on it."

826 Michigan (Ann Arbor)
The International Monsters Union (opening soon)

826 Chicago
The Boring Store, secret agent supplies (opening soon)

826 Seattle
Greenwood Space Travel Co., "Space travel is all we do!"

I also saw a mention that there might be chapter opening in Pittsfield, MA, but that hasn't happened yet. Man I'd love to have one in Austin.

Gay jokes on The Daily Show

Last night on The Daily Show during a segment on New Jersey's attempt to spruce up its image, new contributor Jason Jones interrupted Gov. Richard Codey saying, "So wait. You're not the gay governor? Okay. Umm, these are useless."

Jones was referring to a sheet of paper titled Funny Gay Jokes. I'm fairly certain that the camera shot of the paper was inserted just for freeze-frame fans. Especially since they had to blur a word in the third one. The jokes:

1. Two gay guys were in the shower together when one looked down and saw a puddle of white liquid.
He said to the other man What did I tell you about farting in the shower?

2. Did you hear about the two homosexual judges? They kept trying each other.

3. How can you make a gay man scream twice?
Fuck him real hard. Then wipe your dick off on the his curtains.

4. Why did the Greek boy run away from home?
He didn't like the way he was being reared.

5. Why do so many gays have moustaches?
To hide the stretchmarks.

There was a sixth, but it was cut off from view. The jokes seem like they came right out of an "offensive" joke book popular in the '80s. Especially the fifth one. Moustaches as a stereotypical gay thing went out with pink polo shirts, though they made be making a comeback (really not safe for work). A quick Google search confirms that these jokes have been bouncing around the internets for awhile. Numbers 3, 4, and 5 are almost always together in that order. Is it just me or is the premise of #5 just weird? According to the joke, gay men have substantially thicker dicks than the general population. Huh?


Tags: The Daily Show, gay jokes, pink moustache

What I do in biology lab

Someone recently asked me what I do in my anatomy and physiology lab. I brought my camera along tonight and was delighted/horrified that in this lab session we were comparing sheep uteruses with and without lamb fetuses inside. There was a lot of sad girls in my lab. Click the photo for much, much, much more graphic photos.