Colbert praises Alpha Dog nurse

Just watch and enjoy.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Alpha Dog of the Week - Betty Lichtenstein
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Meryl Streep

Now I have to call my Aunt and Uncle who live in Norwalk, CT.

Patients, like customers, are not always right

Are you familiar with the website Not Always Right? I just became aware of it a week ago and have been making my way through their massive archive of retail hell stories that seek to "level the playing field for those of us who toil and sweat every day trying to juggle demanding customers and often unreasonable corporate expectations." Pretty funny stuff and I recommend it, though if you read too much in one sitting your contempt for humanity might poison your soul a bit.

I wish it had been around when I was working at a certain large electronics chain in the music/DVD/video game department. It would have soothed. Once after closing, encouraged by my co-workers, I performed a rant about customers being confused or even angered by the concept of alphabetizing which ended with me making the case for tearing out all the CD racks, digging a giant hole, and dumping in the CDs just so we could say things like, "Oh I think there's a rich vein of Celine Dion thereabouts."

That reminds me of the time that a middle-aged guy came up to me with a vague request for mood music. After a couple failed attempts to find what I thought he was looking for, Windham Hill-type music or cool jazz was what everyone else wanted, he leaned in close to me and murmured, "Mood music, you know, like for sex?" More than a little put off, and being the snarky little music snob I was, I marched over to the compilations section and put an Excursions in Ambience volume in his hands nodding portentously. Sure I was messing with him, but in all honesty, I think Seefeel, Air, and Spacetime Continuum provide a great soundtrack for doing it.

Anyway, I was especially excited/trepidacious to come across several medical stories on Not Always Right.

Story 1
Story 2
Story 3
Story 4
Story 5
Story 6

That last one reminded me of my patient who had had their aorta repaired just the day before. Since it was the part of the aorta that passes by and supplies blood to the stomach and intestines, she was NPO (no eating or drinking). She asked for ice chips and I explained that she couldn't have any.

"Your digestive system is not up to speed yet and taking in fluid could cause nausea and vomiting might cause your repair to bleed."

"The last nurse let me have ice chips!"

"Well she shouldn't have. The doctor has ordered nothing by mouth, I'm bound to follow his orders, and I've explained why it's detrimental to your health."

"But I've already had ice today," she whined loudly.

I told her politely but firmly that she could wet her mouth with oral swabs, but no more ice. What I really wanted to say was,

"Do you really want to risk massive internal bleeding for the ephemeral treat of ice chips?! Would you let your child eat candy until they writhed on the floor with a searing stomach ache just because Grandma let them go hog wild on a bag of Jolly Ranchers? Lady, get your priorities straight."

I like my patients, but sometimes...

HawthoRNe, not improving

I finally got around to watching the 2nd episode of HawthoRNe. The fact that it sat on my Tivo for two weeks, and that I forgot to record the 3rd ep, tells us both that I wasn't looking forward to it all that much. Still, I said I'd stick with it for at least two more episodes.

"Healing Time" has a couple of name guest stars in Cloris Leachman and Malcom-Jamal Warner. Ms. Leachman's subplot, about a cantakerous, demanding patient who abuses the nursing staff led to a nice little speech by title character Christina Hawthorne, "Nurses are not servants. They are professionals. They should be treated with respect." Right on, superladynurse on a mission! No seriously, I loved that.

Warner's subplot was much worse in it's sentimentality, unrealistic medicine, and giant ethical no-no. He played a man with a cerebral aneurysm that initially caused decreased level of consciousness and impaired mentation (believable) that caused him to think Hawthorne was his wife (dubious), which she did not refute and in fact "used" to comfort him (not cool at all). Later when the doctors offer him with two treatment options—why they were asking him, a man they know cannot provide informed consent rather than his wife who's already been called by phone, is left unexplored—and the patient defers to his "wife's" judgement, she still acts the part and gives her opinion. Massive ethical violation, off-the-charts lose-your-license kind of violation. Boo superladynurse. Booooo.

So then...uh, no I've completely lost interest in continuing. Suffice to say the writing is still treacly, the humor tepid, the direction and acting pedestrian. If the next ep is equally as poor, I won't bother to write it up. Fingers crossed!

Simpsons + monkey ≠ Mr. Teeny, at least in this case

Before I tell a couple stories from work, I have to explain that in medicine, D/C means discontinue. So when a doctor writes "d/c heparin", it means "stop administering the medication heparin from now on." OK, now that's defined.

The other night at work I went over to talk to a colleague and was startled by her patient's severe jaundice. I blurted, "She looks like a Simpsons character."

Thankfully the patient was sedated and didn't catch my rude comment. Later, the nurse came up to me, "After you left, I kept trying to think of which person on The Simpsons she looks like. Then I realized you meant all of them."

The same night another patient's chest tubes were draining a copious amount of clotting blood. The nurse had to manipulate the tubes frequently to ensure the blood passed into the collection chamber instead of clogging the tubes. It's rather mindless work and takes away from other aspects of patient care, but it's still necessary to perform. I suggested that a trained monkey with dextrous hands would really free her up, "Dressed up in little scrubs just squeezing and twisting away."

"And possibly making a mess I'd have to clean up, not to mention the chattering and infection risk," she countered, "In the morning Dr. Never Smiles would come by, annoyed, and write d/c monkey!"

You may disagree, but at 4 AM, "d/c monkey" is very, very funny. I ended up in tears stifling my laughter so I wouldn't wake the patients.

Houston Pride Parade & intermittent dance party

I really had no excuse not to attend the parade since A) it happens at night when I'm awake anyway and B) the parade route is one block away from my apartment. Plus at least once a year I like to see my peoples all glittery and stuff. Unfortunately there was what I consider to be a serious dearth of glitter/feather/hi NRG silliness. Too many staid oil company employees and church groups, not enough gyrating. Also, I didn't check my camera batteries before I walked out the door and so no pictures.

The highlights for me were:

- PFLAG, cause parents in their 50s, 60s, and 70s marching in support their gay kids is a beautiful sight to see

- Lesbians Over Age Fifty, or LOAFers mostly because of the awesome elderly lady waving out the window of the car. I know it's wrong to infantalize old folks, but she was adorable and inspiring.

- The Asians & Friends group who all held giant Hello Kitty head placards. Kawaii indeed.

Afterwards, I met up with some Austin friends for an intermittent dance party. No one had the energy to stay out on the floor the whole time, so intermittent it was. Yay for poorly conceived "sexy" photos, putting a certain inebriated lady to bed, and fantasizing about band reunions (Smiths, Jawbreaker, Archers of Loaf, Afghan Whigs).

6 Months, 60 Minutes, 16 Songs

So I made a compilation of songs I've been particularly fond of the last six months and wanted to share it. Enjoy, hate, or be suffused with dispassion.

UPDATE: If you register with imeem, you can full versions of almost all the songs. It's a nifty site.

[ed. note: The actual El Goodo track I wanted, "Aren't You Grand" wasn't available on imeem so I swapped in another good (but not as good) track. I wasn't able to find any tracks from Handsome Family's new, great album Honey Moon on imeem, which is why the playlist only has fifteen tracks. So after the Matt & Kim song, pause and go here to listen to a short clip of "The Loneliness of Magnets" and just imagine that old-timey sound continuing, then go back and resume this playlist. Or you could just skip this whole suggestion and destroy the integrity of this carefully curated flow.

6 Months, 60 Minutes, 16 Songs

Who's up for Six Flags?

Friends,

I will be going to Six Flags in Arlington on Sunday 8/23 if you'd like to join me. It's the last day before the local school systems start up and the park is practically empty. As others who've joined me in the past can attest, it's glorious. No lines and on many of the rides, the employees will let you ride multiple times in a row. The park's open from 11 - 7, but I usually leave around 5 because I've ridden everything multiple times by then.

Spread the word and let me know so I can start planning carpools, etc.

Oh, and Joolie gets a free ticket from me because years ago it was my fault that she was denied rollercoasters and had to settle for the Stockyards.