Cast of Characters
YOUNG MAN, tattooed and deliberately scruffy with fake animal claw earrings
SELF-STYLED HUSTLER, 40, red-faced and somewhat grimy from being outdoors all day
The play takes place on a half-full city bus in Houston on a Saturday afternoon.
At RISE:
(YOUNG MAN sits at the front of a clearly identified Houston bus. He is engrossed, reading Douglas Adams' Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency [great book BTW]. As the unseen driver opens the door at a stop, SELF-STYLED HUSTLER enters right carrying a beat-up plastic shopping bag. He has an unzipped jacket on, but no shirt underneath. His pants and shoes have seen better days. He looks around and, despite plenty of empty seats, sits right next to YOUNG MAN.)
SELF-STYLED HUSTLER
Hey man. You got a computer?YOUNG MAN
(annoyed)
What?SELF-STYLED HUSTLER
I said, you got a computer?YOUNG MAN
Yes.SELF-STYLED HUSTLER
I'll tell you what then. You can buy this computer stuff off me.YOUNG MAN
No.SELF-STYLED HUSTLER
C'mon! Buy my computer shit.YOUNG MAN
Leave me alone.SELF-STYLED HUSTLER
Damn! I always said Texas people were rude. Why you gotta be so rude?(Unseen bus driver, clearly perturbed, makes announcement off stage)
Will the gentlemen who just got on please pay at the front. (beat) Now.
(SELF-STYLED HUSTLER lurches up and goes right to pay fare, leaving bag on floor in front of seat. He fumbles with a wallet before finally extracting a dollar and feeding it into the fare box. YOUNG MAN meanwhile shifts over to take up both his and HUSTLER's seat, then kicks HUSTLER's bag downstage. SELF-STYLED HUSTLER returns and pulls up short when he sees the situation.)
SELF-STYLED HUSTLER
Hey man --YOUNG MAN
(Barely suppressing rage.)
(Barely suppressing rage.)
You're not sitting here. Stop talking to me and go sit somewhere else.
(SELF-STYLED HUSTLER grabs bag and stands right facing away from YOUNG MAN, but clearly still addressing him and the rest of the bus.)
SELF-STYLED HUSTLER
I hate people from Texas. They're either dumb or pretending to be smart.(As the bus pulls up to next stop, SELF-STYLED HUSTLER exits, yelling over his shoulder)
Dork!
(YOUNG MAN scowls as he reads his book. Curtain.)
I'm not sure what to call it. The Worst Salesman Ever sums it up nicely, but it's rather plain. Yelling and Insulting Your Way to An Almost Violent Non-Sale is a little too on the nose. Ideas?
If I ever have to write a book about effective sales techniques, it's going to be called "C'mon! Buy My Computer Shit. And Other Winning Strategies to Close the Deal."
ReplyDeleteAhh, big-city buses.
ReplyDelete