Simpsons + monkey ≠ Mr. Teeny, at least in this case

Before I tell a couple stories from work, I have to explain that in medicine, D/C means discontinue. So when a doctor writes "d/c heparin", it means "stop administering the medication heparin from now on." OK, now that's defined.

The other night at work I went over to talk to a colleague and was startled by her patient's severe jaundice. I blurted, "She looks like a Simpsons character."

Thankfully the patient was sedated and didn't catch my rude comment. Later, the nurse came up to me, "After you left, I kept trying to think of which person on The Simpsons she looks like. Then I realized you meant all of them."

The same night another patient's chest tubes were draining a copious amount of clotting blood. The nurse had to manipulate the tubes frequently to ensure the blood passed into the collection chamber instead of clogging the tubes. It's rather mindless work and takes away from other aspects of patient care, but it's still necessary to perform. I suggested that a trained monkey with dextrous hands would really free her up, "Dressed up in little scrubs just squeezing and twisting away."

"And possibly making a mess I'd have to clean up, not to mention the chattering and infection risk," she countered, "In the morning Dr. Never Smiles would come by, annoyed, and write d/c monkey!"

You may disagree, but at 4 AM, "d/c monkey" is very, very funny. I ended up in tears stifling my laughter so I wouldn't wake the patients.